blog « Finding Bliss

“I am manifesting.”

March 7th, 2012

Here’s a great quote from Neville, a spiritual teacher and philosopher who died in 1972:

Disregard appearances, conditions, in fact all evidence of your senses that deny the fulfillment of your desire. Rest in the assumption that you are already what you want to be, for in that determined assumption you and your Infinite Being are merged in creative unity, and with your Infinite Being all things are possible.

I used this quote in one of my recent workshops and I like to remind my clients and catches of this because it really makes sense. People in general – myself included – tend to forget that we have this undeniable force and we very strong manifesters. So if we talk about the things we are not [I’m not patient, I’m not attractive, I’m not successful, I’m not lovable, etc.] these things are just going to continue to show up in our life.

So I challenge my clients to shift their perspective. Instead, create “I am”s. Some examples:

I am passionate.

I am happy.

I am determined.

I am successful.

I am in a relationship.

I am going to travel the world.

And so on.

This exercise had a huge impact in the workshop! It did indeed change the way some participants viewed things. It opened some eyes.

Even if you don’t believe these “I am”s in the moment, you can still incorporate them into a daily ritual. Make the statements, and don’t assume they may or may not be true.

Another quote I love, that’s tied to manifestation, is “Everything that has been conceived was once imagined.” Think about how true that actually is, from the invention of the paper clip to the manifestation of a happy life, well-lived.

This concept is so powerful in relationships. If we start imagining that wonderful man in our lives, if we have the power to conceive this, with a little determination we can manifest it.

What are your “I am”s? Make a list of them. Try repeating them out loud, at least once a day. Remember, they can be wide-ranging and they are unique to you. You never have to show them to anyone. But if you’d like to share some of them, I am all ears. (OMG, I just made another “I am” statement. See how easy it is?)

More examples:

I am learning another language.

I am going skiing this winter.

I am taking an art class.

I am a great communicator.

I am worthy of respect.

Whatever it is, whatever appears on this list, it should be there because it fulfills you and makes you happy. Eventually, repetition will lead to belief in these statements and in your own power to manifest them. And the more you manifest the things that fulfill you, the more open you are to finding someone to share all your wonderful “I am”s with, and who will share his with you.

Now get to “I am”ing. I am hoping to hear from you!

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Talking: The Ultimate Aphrodisiac

January 31st, 2012

I think it’s pretty funny that even though communication is vital to our relationships, especially our love relationships, we as a society have some funny substitutes for it like “blah, blah, blah” and “Yadda, yadda, yadda” (immortalized on Seinfeld).

But I’m a big advocate of talking. We tell our emotionally overwrought children who are whining or crying or fussing to “Use your words!” Well, my friends, now I’m telling you.

Great relationships start with great conversations. That means talking and freely sharing of yourself with your date/boyfriend/partner and, even more importantly, asking questions and attentively listening to his answers. That’s really all there is to it, but oh how difficult it can be to follow through on!

This concept is a cornerstone of my relationship coaching because it shifts the conventional way men approach dating. It’s very often about the goal of getting into bed. I’m not here to judge this, but just pointing out the reality as I see it.

What would happen if you tabled the getting-into-bed agenda, and instead simply had a conversation? How might you feel after an evening spent doing that? Would you feel like you accomplished something? Or would you feel unfulfilled? Do you even know? Have you ever tried it? If not, I’d like to challenge you to give it a go and see what your experience is like. Ideally, you would have an opportunity to talk to your man about it at some point after, to compare notes. This is real communication! This is the kind of conversation that creates intimacy and brings you closer. And talk about a turn-on. Trust me, if things go well when you use your mouth to talk, they will most likely go well when you use it for other activities.

If you find this topic compelling, I invite you to join me for a fun workshop called “Talking: The Ultimate Aphrodisiac.” It’s the second in my 3-part series entitled “You’re Getting Warmer: Perfecting Your Search for Mr. Right.” Details are below. Just click on the links to learn more.

What: Talking: The Ultimate Aphrodisiac

Where: The Gazebo, Davies Medical Center [map]

When: Tuesday, Feb 23, 7:00-9:00 p.m.

Free and open to everyone.

At the Corner of Castro & Fabulous: How to Turn Heads When You Walk Down the Street

January 25th, 2012

There are lots of stories about gay men who move to San Francisco to “find themselves” or to “find The One.” I find it exciting that our city can inspire people to go to such lengths in their quest for love (be it self love, love of another, or both).

But as you move through your day-to-day life here in the city, keep in mind that as magical as San Francisco can be, it’s not magic. By that I mean that it’s a charming, thrilling, sometimes dreamlike place to live – but there’s no “Abracadabra” when it comes to creating the life you want for yourself. Even if that life is here, one of the most welcoming and comfortable places in the country for gay men.

The thing is, you have to meet San Francisco halfway. Dressing in layers (so important here!) and walking down Castro Street to see and be seen isn’t going to magically create a wake of men behind you, falling all over each other to be the first to introduce himself to you.

Unless…

There are a few things you can do to turn a few heads as you stroll the sidewalk. Here’s what I suggest:

1. Know yourself. There’s nothing sexier than the confidence that comes from self-awareness and being comfortable in your own skin. Men who feel this way on the inside exude attractiveness on the outside – and other men notice. It’s just the way it is, and it doesn’t really matter what you look like. People can sense it.

2. Own yourself. Whatever your truth, own it, embrace it, and make no excuses for it. You’re short? You’re tall? You’re bald? You’re bushy-headed? You’re over 40? You’re a redhead? Your right foot is slightly pigeon-toed? Your moustache is uneven? (gasp!) Those perceived shortcomings are quite often the thing that another man will find most endearing. If you stop being so self-conscious about your [fill in the blank], no one is going to think twice about it.

3. Show yourself. Smile at people as you pass. Be warm. Be polite. Give ‘em those pearly whites. Isn’t that why you had them whitened in the first place? If you’re in a good mood and feel like whistling, do it and don’t worry whether someone is going to think it strange

Many of my clients tell me how difficult it is to “meet guys” here and that they feel invisible, even in the heart of the Castro. But once they explain to me the way they walk down the street, and what they’re thinking as they do so, I can usually identify a few small behaviors they can change that will turn that around.

Those supposed “guy magnets” – puppies and baby strollers – may work to some extent, but puppies poop and babies cry so maybe you should move on to something far more interesting to attract a few looks: yourself.

If you find this topic compelling, I invite you to join me for a fun workshop called “At the Corner of Castro & Fabulous: How to Turn Heads When You Walk Down the Street.” It’s the first in my 3-part series entitled “You’re Getting Warmer: Perfecting Your Search for Mr. Right.” Details are below, and click on the links to learn more.

Happy Strolling (and Head-Turning)!

What: At the Corner of Castro & Fabulous: How to Turn Heads When You Walk Down the Street

Where: The Gazebo, Davies Medical Center [map]

When: Tuesday, Feb 7, 7:00-9:00 p.m.

Free and open to everyone.

Coaching, the Miss Bliss Way

December 27th, 2011

As you know by now, when I make my matches I go way beyond physical attributes, geographical locations, and hobbies. I dive into the personality, psyche, and motivations of my clients. I coach them through the entire process of opening up to love and finding it. Which is so much more satisfying than comparing check boxes on intake forms.

The coaching I do for my clients is extraordinarily empowering for them; it helps them approach and experience the process with a feeling of action. Like they’re participating in their own search; their own journey to love.

When you’re my client, we talk about the fears and challenges you’ve had in the past, but we don’t get stuck in the past. We look at the future and how I can support you to make a change. Now, that’s not to say I’m a therapist because I’m not. We don’t really look at the deep-seated root of the problem. But I do help with developing practical ways you can shift the behaviors and perceptions that are holding you back.

This is because, as I say quite frequently, the most important relationship you can have is with yourself. You have to look at these things if you want to be successful in your search for love.

For me, it goes back to the core value of conceive / believe / achieve. I guide my clients through making the choices that are really right for them. I raise awareness of where they hold back, and help them know what their own story is. Once we have a breakthrough, they make healthier choices for their life, which helps clears the way for them to create a healthy relationship.

But sustainable change in life doesn’t happen in one session. It’s an ongoing process and I suggest five coaching sessions to make a shift to where you can create a healthy, sustainable relationship. Through it all, I give tons of advice, we talk through solutions, and have a ton of back-and-forth.

The result is pretty phenomenal. My clients get more clarity and understanding, feel more fulfilled, and become more empowered. It’s one of the most gratifying parts of what I do. I just love it!

I’ve even seen clients drop friends. They don’t maintain relationships that aren’t healthy or that don’t’ support their shift. The refuse to be a doormat any longer, if that was the case in their lives before. They take charge, gain power, and become a force for good and for change in their own lives. sometimes that upsets the dynamic between friends and leaves little choice but to part ways. And that’s not a bad thing; that’s growth. And if people do leave your life, know that others will come in. You’ll attract people who will be good for you, who support the new and improved version of you – friends, peers, cohorts, and ultimately, a love relationship.

In my coaching, I create a place where you’ll feel safe, and can let go of so much. Best of all: It’s a 100% completely judge-free zone. In fact, I don’t even own a gavel.

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Why gay matchmaking with Finding Bliss?

December 19th, 2011

There are two reasons to hire a matchmaker.

The first is logical: You’re frustrated with the bars, don’t have the time or energy for online dating, sick of sorting through profiles, etc. That’s the practical side of it, right?

And there’s an emotional reason to hire a matchmaker, too. It could be that you’ve experienced a lot of rejection in your life as a gay man and you want to avoid the rejection that often comes in the dating world – or at least as much of it as possible. A matchmaker pre-screens people for you, and can help in this regard.

Other emotional reasons could be that you don’t feel you deserve a relationship or it’s not worth all the effort.

I mention these to explain that I help clients create a shift in their lives, and I do that through the coaching that I do. In the course of our relationship, I constantly come back to a few touchstones that I know to be true. Mainly, that no matter who you are you are worthy of love and it can happen to you. You can give and receive love. I’ve seen it happen too many times with clients who thought otherwise. But I showed them!

Forging relationships is also hard for gay men in general because most are extremely giving people by nature, and it’s hard for them to receive or accept love. I tell these clients that they can have a fulfilled, happy life if they really want it.

One of the great parts of what I do is that when a client does meet The One, that special man to call his own, it doesn’t even matter if the introduction to that man comes through me. Sometimes, a client will meet the guy himself!

The point is that my coaching gets you to a place where it can happen – where you open to love. And this is the shift I’m talking about…the shift you make in your life that wouldn’t happen without the coaching. The one that gets you ready to find the man of your dreams. It’s the shift I go for. Everything after that – meeting the man included – is easy.

As you can imagine, making a shift like this takes time. On average, it takes one of my clients six to nine months to find someone, although this is not always the case! One client found Mr. Right after two sessions with me; for another, it took nearly two years. But it isn’t a race or a contest. It’s your life. And love happens for you the way it’s supposed to happen for you. And you know what? The client for whom it took two years told me that it was completely worth it.

In some ways, the most important match I make is the one I help you make with yourself, which I think is pretty cool.

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Moving into 2012 with intention

December 13th, 2011

So now that you’ve [hopefully] given some serious thought to what your core values are, it’s time to take the next step. Literally.

We often talk about stepping into the new year, walking into it, etc. Most of us march along with the calendar, marking off the days without much thought to it once the confetti has been swept off the floor. What I’d like to challenge you to do is to take that journey – with intention. And, of course, I can show you how.

First, reflect on the past year. I mean really sit down and think about what you did. Get out a piece of paper and a pen, and write these things down. Did you travel to a life-long destination? Did you write that book? Incorporate regular fitness into your life? Forgive yourself for something? Go to more museums? Start taking French lessons? Alphabetize your wine rack? Whatever it was, write it down.

The reason is to take a moment to acknowledge and celebrate your accomplishments. Just “be” with them for a minute and be grateful for them. We tend to forget how much we’ve done in our lives. I’m betting you come up with a pretty long list.

But even if you don’t, it’s okay. If you feel you whiled the year away without a sense of direction and hence without much to show for it, then accept responsibility for that [there’s that core value again], and resolve to change it from this point on.

Once you’ve done that, create your intentions for 2012. This involves physically writing things down, too. Make an actual list of what your goals for the year are. What are your intentions? There are a few techniques you can use.

You can divide them into categories: personal, career/business, love life, etc. You could do it chronologically if you have a sense of what that might be. Maybe your intention requires that; maybe it’s just how you think. It’s fine. Or you could just create a list that has no particular hierarchy, if that’s going to work for you.

I cannot stress enough how important it is that you write these down, and that you be specific with it. There is great power in doing this. Trust me.

Then, as part of that list, write down the HOW behind each intention. This is critical! Otherwise, it’s a half-thought, an elusive goal that you’ll have too much difficulty manifesting. You’ll give up. For example, if you write down “Lose 25 pounds” then also write down how you intend to do that. See a nutritionist? Hire a trainer? Stop drinking on weeknights? Whatever you know will work. Don’t put “hire a trainer” if you don’t have the money to pay for one, or if you know that you hate working out with a trainer. The how must be feasible.

It’s also critical to know the WHY behind each intention on the list. If you don’t articulate for yourself why you’re working towards what you’re working towards, you’ll feel scattered, unfocused, and unmotivated. It won’t work. You can either write this or not [I recommend you do], but you should definitely know it. Why do you want to lose 25 pounds? To feel better? Because your doctor said you needed to? To fit into some expensive jeans you bought?

What you have at the end of this exercise is something you’ve created for yourself: a vision. An intent for the year. And a plan to carry it out. To inspire you even further, try putting together a vision board. This is just a collection of visual cues that portray whatever it is you want to create – either literally or abstractly. And it doesn’t have to be big. Collect pictures that reflect your intentions, and you should feel free to get creative with it. Don’t go for the materialistic stuff necessarily; go for the stuff you feel an emotional connection with. If you’re thinking about a sports car, you could put a picture of one on your vision board, but if you know the WHY behind it – say, because you want a stronger sense of freedom in your life – then maybe the better visual is a wide, vast expanse of Southwestern desert stretching out to the horizon. I think you get the idea.

With your 2012 intentions in place, things will start showing up for you because you will have the means to hold them close to you in a concrete way. The most exciting part comes in December of 2012 when you take out your list [the one you’re going to make in the next month or so] and look at it. You will be positively amazed at how many things became reality for you. Even things you will have forgotten you put on the list to begin with.

Now go grab a pen and a notepad and get busy.

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Core Values: They Matter

December 6th, 2011

Recently a colleague and a friend reminded me that having core values for your business is important, especially when you’re a business owner and the line between your business and your own person-ness is a thin one. That is definitely the case with me!

Defining – and holding – core values for your business enables you to recognize how those values show up in your day-to-day operations, understand why you do the things you do, and make sound business decisions that will truly support you in reaching your goals. Those are pretty important for business success, right?

So I decided to define the Finding Bliss Core Values and to share them with you, with the goal of holding them and imbuing them with the power they have to strengthen my brand, connect with my audience, and fuel my success. So here we go:

1. No judgment. Ultimately, there is no right or wrong when it comes to love. Everything is a learning experience.

2. Quality vs quantity. This is true in many aspects of life, but especially so when it comes to seeking, finding, giving, receiving, and sharing love.

3. Speaking only the truth. I’ve mentioned this before, and it refers to having the willingness and the courage to have the hard conversations from the beginning. Small talk is fine to break the ice; we need it and it’s human nature to start with it. But once those shards are hitting the floor and melting away, move on to the stuff that truly matters. I give all of my clients this advice and follow it myself.

4. Being forgiving. Entire books are written about this topic but in a nutshell it boils down to letting go of the three R’s: Resentment, Resistance, and Revenge. I never want Finding Bliss to operate from a place of negativity, so I extend my forgiving nature to my brand.

5. Accepting responsibility. This is a biggie. Many of us struggle to recognize the times when we need to accept responsibility, or the times when doing so will better serve us than laying blame. Just realize that it’s okay to say “Sorry” and that sometimes you need to say it to yourself. Remember that you are here, and I am here, and we are all here where we are today because of the choices we have made in life. So accepting responsibility for them is something that I, and Finding Bliss, wholeheartedly believe in.

6. Being supportive. Finding Bliss supports clients so they feel happy, motivated, and excited. To make that happen, the brand operates from a place of looking at the optimistic side of life, which I also do in my personal life. And note that being supportive means more than just supporting others; it also means supporting yourself.

7. Unconditional giving. Much like the previous value, this refers to yourself as well as to others. When I give to others, I do it without expecting something in return. I sometimes actually do ask myself the question: “What can I give?” Maybe JFK said it best: “Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country.” Substitute “partner,” “boyfriend,” [or in my brand’s case, “client”] for the word “country” and you have a pretty great way of moving through life [and the business world].

8. Being impeccable. I mean impeccable in every way: with your words, your purpose, your truth. It means to keep your word because words are power;

a gift that comes directly through you. With them, you can create the events in your life [or your business]; you can create a beautiful dream or destroy everything around you. Don Miguel Ruiz talks about this in his book, The Four Agreements and I encourage you to check it out.

9. Be child-like. Children live in the present moment, with little to no worries, and they don’t take No for an answer. They are unstoppable in their optimism, imagination, creativity, and structureless pursuit of the next smile. Somewhere along the way to adulthood, we lose the vast majority of these qualities. Short of throwing tantrums and being inconsiderate, or making unsound business decisions, we should all try to be more child-like.

10. Being determined. This boils down to three things: conceive, believe, and achieve. What a great way to build a business or a brand, huh? It’s important to ask questions and be persistent in getting to the answers. An example I love to share with clients and that inspires me is Thomas Edison, who recorded some 25,000 failures in his attempt to invent a storage battery. He was once asked how it felt to fail 25,000 times and he replied: “Those were not failures. I learned 24,999 ways not to make a battery.”

I hope I’ve inspired you to think about your own core values. You should sit down and write them out; really examine them. Drill down to the center of you and figure them out, whether you end up with two, three, or ten values; whether you own a business or not. It will help you figure out what you’re looking for in a partner, and to make sound decisions when those turning points in a relationship crop up. And you know they will!

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Gay Love in EDGE San Francisco

December 6th, 2011

Long awaited, but finally published – my interview with Tony Phillips, writer and extraordinaire with EDGE Magazine. The article is full of information that helps you understand what really happens behind the scenes of gay matchmaking with Finding Bliss. Hope you enjoy it, share it with your friends and spread the love to gay men who want to find a life partner.

Click here to read the interview with Tony Phillips…

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In recognition of World AIDS Day

December 1st, 2011

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The 5 Love Languages: Physical Touch

November 29th, 2011

The final Love Language, according to Gary Chapman’s book, The 5 Love Languages, is Physical Touch and it’s arguably the most fun language to speak. But it’s not all about the bedroom.

One of the best things about having a partner who speaks this language is how easy it is to recognize. We all know people who are very “touchy.” They freely give hugs [and sometimes kisses], pats on the back, thoughtful touches on the arm and other small physical gestures. With people they know well, it can show up as hand-holding and touches in more intimate places such as the face or hip. Even playing footsie.

Remember that people who speak this language aren’t necessarily “coming on to you.” Physical touch is how they express emotions. This can be excitement, concern, care, or love – among many others. It’s the very definition of body language.

Also remember that physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect can signal to him that you simply don’t care. So try the power of intentional touch with your partner, even if you don’t think you can fully embrace it. You can start small and take baby steps. And you can experiment with all kinds of touch in all kinds of places. Talk about fun! In fact, consider that your homework. Go touch your partner. Then you’ll see how powerful and transformative it can be.

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