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Archive for the ‘Love’ Category

It’s a Man Eat Man World

Monday, May 14th, 2012

May must be National Reading Month because I have another great book to tell you about. It’s called Finding True Love in a Man Eat Man World by Craig Nelson.

The very first chapter talks about how gay men successful go about avoiding love and gives a few archetypes they often play in gay love relationships.

Mr. Miserable focuses on his weaknesses rather than his strengths. For him, the glass is always half empty. Mr. Sabotage is caught in a trap of feeling lonely so he looks for love but when it turns serious he looks for a way out. And he repeats the cycle. Mr. Ugly thinks he’s too ugly to find someone, and ignores all the fine qualities he has. There are others, but you get the picture.

So what’s the key to avoiding becoming one of these gentlemen and to finding what we’re all looking for: someone to love us unconditionally for who we are? Good self-esteem, self-respect, and a solid sense of yourself. These will take you further in attracting a long-term lover than any other qualities you may have. And that goes for the other man, too. Once you know and accept yourself and understand “I’m a real catch” you can avoid any guy who has self-hatred and attract great guys. Real serenity and comfort are incredibly attractive magnets.

Know what you have to give. Know that others are waiting for you to give it. Not in a conceited way, but from a realistic, honest way that comes from self-knowledge and perspective. Once you come at it from that angle, you’ll attract men like flies to honey.

The bottom line: You attract what you are, not what you want.

Think about that for a while.

Tags: effective dating, finding happiness, gay men, gay relationships, happiness, relationships
Posted in Dating, Happiness, Love, Personal progress, Relationships, Resources | No Comments »

Create Your Vision Board

Tuesday, May 8th, 2012

I am so happy to have discovered another great resource to share with you in my never-ending quest to help my gay male clients find the successful love relationship they, and all gay men, deserve. It’s a fascinating book called Feng Shui Life Mapping by Salvatore Manzi. His website is here.

I particularly like the chapter on Vision Boarding, which is a process in which you create a collage on a feng shui bagua. You may know that in feng shui there are nine baguas, areas of your home that correspond to the nine areas of your life. The one I want to focus on is, of course, the Love and Partnership bagua located at the back, right-hand corner of your home.

A vision board is good because creating clear intention and setting goals is not always enough for everyone. For love and partnership, your vision board could include visual representations like a candlelit dinner table, kissing lips, hands clasped together, etc. The key is to really think about specific images. You can also have verbal affirmations as part of your vision board, like, “I am going on a fabulous vacation with my ideal partner” or whatever inspires/motivates you.

There are three steps to creating a successful vision board:

• give yourself 25 minutes to find the images

• tear the whole page from the book/magazine instead of cutting it out and trying

to crop it perfectly or get the perfect size

• collage for 25 minutes

Don’t strive for perfection. It can be all over the place. In fact, that’s what a collage is supposed to be.

To “activate” your vision board (very important!) do these three things:

• share it with people you love – this is vital because the power of a shared intention makes it manifest faster

• display your feng shui map. Meditate on it. Put it on your phone, or make it the wallpaper for your laptop. Put it by your desk. The key is to have it where you’ll see it.

• put it in the actual love and partnership bagua – the rear, right-hand corner of your home

I love my vision board and I get lots of inspiration and power from it. I know you will too. Salvatore Manzi is all about creating a supportive environment that propels you to your dreams. I couldn’t agree more. Try vision boarding for yourself and let me know how it goes. Better yet, send me a picture of yours, if you’d like to. I’d love to see it!

Tags: finding happiness, gay dating, gay men, gay relationships, happy, love tools, relationships
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My dog ate my homework

Thursday, April 26th, 2012

Sometimes on our path towards love we encounter all sorts of excuses why we can’t stay on the path and some of them have little or nothing to do with being gay. These excuses can crop up throughout our day when we least expect it –sometimes we don’t even notice them – and they prevent us from making progress toward the things we want.

Dr. Wayne Dyer, who as you know is one of my favorites, has created a mobile app you can take on the road with you as a weapon of sorts against all those excuses. It’s called The Excuses Begone app, and it’s based on his book by the same name. It features 18 of the most common excuses and the affirmations to defeat them. And, it’s free!

Just go to the iTunes store to download it. It’s an on-the-go way to help create the life you want. Let go of I’m too busy, I’m too tired, It’s too hard and all your other excuses. And get on with getting where you want to go.

Tags: effective dating, finding fault, finding happiness, gay dating, gay men, gay relationships, happiness, relationships
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Use Your Words

Saturday, April 21st, 2012

Another challenge on the road to a lasting relationship is learning the skill of conscious communication. It’s not an inborn gift, but with practice you can become a master of clear communication. According to psychologist Marshall Rosenberg, it’s a simple process:

1. Identify the event that triggered your emotional upset. Be as objective as possible when doing this. Saying “My boyfriend is never on time,” is less useful than saying “He said he’d be here at 7:00 and didn’t show up until 7:30.”

2. Take responsibility for your feelings. Describe your feelings like this: “I feel frustrated,” or “I feel jealous.” Avoid words that reinforce a sense of victimization, such as “I feel neglected” or “I feel rejected.” When you do this, you’re informing the other person, not blaming him.

3. Identify what you need that you’re not receiving. Most of us subconsciously expect our loved ones to know what we need and to spontaneously provide it. I don’t have to tell you that this rarely happens.

4. Ask for what you want. Be specific when doing this. For example, if you want more attention from your partner, don’t just ask him to spend more time with you.

Ask him to go on a walk with you after dinner, or to a movie on Saturday night. But don’t make demands because we all have an inherent impulse to resist demands. And the cool part is that our self-esteem is raised when we’re able to fulfill a request.

Follow these four steps, and you’re much more likely to feel comfortable and at ease – both in your own skin and in a gay relationship – as opposed to going through your days in emotional distress.

Conscious communication and emotional awareness are vital components of the Chopra Center’s Perfect Health program. Learn more here.

Tags: communication, effective dating, gay dating, gay men, gay relationships, happiness, love languages, relationships
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Five Steps to Bliss

Saturday, March 31st, 2012

If your intention is to find bliss, here are five steps you can follow to help you.

1 – Acknowledge

Acknowledge your fears, and challenges. Also acknowledge that, like all of us, you’re culturally conditioned to accept what life gives you and that we have no power to change it. Nothing could be further from the truth! But acknowledging the negative in life, allowing it to be with you, gives you the ability to shift it. You can forgive yourself, then change the behavior around it.

2 – Imagine

Thinking with awareness is very powerful, especially if you know yourself. Imagine yourself in a healthy relationship with a loving partner can do wonders in manifesting it in your life. Refer to my previous entry about “I am” statements.

3 – Believe

What are your dreams and your beliefs about your dreams? Are you willing to change the concept of yourself from ordinary to champion, or from lonely to lover? Really believing in yourself – and what you imagine for your life – is your greatest power. This is one of the core values I teach my clients so it’s one of the steps to finding bliss too. What do you tell yourself when you look in the mirror? Try this simple exercise: Write 5 positive characteristics that describe who you want to be today. See what happens!

4 – Feel

This is where the other guy comes in. Allow yourself to feel the emotion of being with a partner. Try another exercise I call Magic Wand, which is a visualization with your eyes closed. Imagine the wand can erase all your fears and uncertainties from the past, and start imagining your ideal man: his skin, hair, clothes, smell, feel, personality, back story, all of it. Continue with imagining your life together, and let the emotions that come up for you wash over you. Stay with the visual for a while. Write down your thoughts and feelings. Put it on the mirror or somewhere else you’ll see it regularly and repeatedly (at least once a day).

5 – Act

After all this visualizing and thinking and imagining – it’s time to give it a shot. It’s time to act. Once you believe in yourself, acting is easy (that’s why it’s the last step!). When you act, be courageous and remember that any obstacles are experience and learning lessons from which you can take away something constructive. If you step out of your comfort zone, you’d be surprised what can happen. Let people know you’re single. Tell them you’re looking. Let them know what your visualization looks like. And see what comes back to you. Be grateful for what does (more on gratitude later).

It’s easy to list steps, but it can be tougher to actually follow them. Believe me, I know. That’s why I say, “Get started!” The time is now. Your blissful future awaits.

Tags: gay men, gay relationships, happiness, relationships, self love
Posted in Dating, General, Happiness, Love, Personal progress, Relationships | No Comments »

Your Link to Intent

Monday, March 26th, 2012

Here’s another quote I find very inspirational.

“In the universe, there is an immeasurable, indescribable force which shamans call intent, and absolutely everything that exists in the entire cosmos is attached to intent by a connecting link.”

– Carlos Castaneda

This connecting link to intent is important to keep in mind. Because as we create our story and the doubts and resistance that inevitably come with it, the link gets corroded. It gets dirtier and dirtier with all the things that others have told us we can’t do, or are not possible for us. Sometimes we tell ourselves these things, and corrode the link through our own thoughts.

The good news is that there are tons of tools and resources out there to help clean it up. One of them is other people. Gifted people open their hearts to us, create a shift in our life, and help make our dreams come true. It could be a chiropractor, a therapist, a French tutor – whoever plays a role in making you feel fulfilled in some way.

Think about the people in your life – and how they help keep you linked to intent, creating a pathway to your possibilities. Because one of those possibilities, of course, is love.

In my next post, I’ll talk about five steps to help you establish your link to love.

Tags: finding happiness, fulfillment, gay dating, gay men, gay relationships, happiness, relationships
Posted in General, Happiness, Love, Personal progress | No Comments »

The Essence of Your Desire

Thursday, March 22nd, 2012

One of the many books I’ve been reading recently is Manifest Your Destiny: The Nine Spiritual Principles of Getting Everything You Want by one of my favorite authors – and people – Dr. Wayne Dyer.

The 8th principle is Patiently Detach from the Outcome.

It’s hard to follow, but oh is it worth it.

It addresses how we set specific goals for ourselves, but then start talking from the ego and subsequently get sidetracked. The key to overcoming this is knowing – at your core – that you’re aligned with what you need to be doing at this time in your life, and having infinite patience about the outcome.

For example, if one of your “I am”s is: I am financially secure – then you have to forget about your current situation and really think about what you want, what your end result looks like.

How does this relate to dating hunky men? I’m so glad you asked.

It means to just remember what it feels like to be in a relationship and don’t focus on the how or the what or on how many dates it’ll take to “seal the deal.” No! Think about what it feels like to have the end result. Or, as Dr. Dyer says, think about “the essence of your desire.”

The essence could be feeling miraculous, feeling wonderful, being in love, feeling amazing, whatever.

What does the essence of being in love feel like to you?

Focus on that – and the results will come; it’s inevitable!

The bottom line is: you’ve created a story and it’s become your life. Part of that is thinking that love is not possible for you. That you can’t make it happen and you don’t have that power.

But the truth is you do – we all do. Because we are always connected. We just need to remember that.

Tags: desire, gay men, gay relationships, happiness, love languages, relationships, self love
Posted in General, Happiness, Love, Personal progress, Relationships | 2 Comments »

And They Lived Happily Ever After

Tuesday, March 20th, 2012

Next Tuesday March 27th @ 7p – Single or in a relationship, come join me and other wonderful gay men on for my 3d Workshop “And They Lived Happily Ever After”! Looking forward to seeing some familiar faces and some new ones! This is a free workshop at the Gazebo Davies Medical Center.

Tags: communication, dating, gay men, gay relationships, love languages, self love
Posted in Dating, Gay marriage, Happiness, Love, Relationships, Sex | No Comments »

Talking: The Ultimate Aphrodisiac

Tuesday, January 31st, 2012

I think it’s pretty funny that even though communication is vital to our relationships, especially our love relationships, we as a society have some funny substitutes for it like “blah, blah, blah” and “Yadda, yadda, yadda” (immortalized on Seinfeld).

But I’m a big advocate of talking. We tell our emotionally overwrought children who are whining or crying or fussing to “Use your words!” Well, my friends, now I’m telling you.

Great relationships start with great conversations. That means talking and freely sharing of yourself with your date/boyfriend/partner and, even more importantly, asking questions and attentively listening to his answers. That’s really all there is to it, but oh how difficult it can be to follow through on!

This concept is a cornerstone of my relationship coaching because it shifts the conventional way men approach dating. It’s very often about the goal of getting into bed. I’m not here to judge this, but just pointing out the reality as I see it.

What would happen if you tabled the getting-into-bed agenda, and instead simply had a conversation? How might you feel after an evening spent doing that? Would you feel like you accomplished something? Or would you feel unfulfilled? Do you even know? Have you ever tried it? If not, I’d like to challenge you to give it a go and see what your experience is like. Ideally, you would have an opportunity to talk to your man about it at some point after, to compare notes. This is real communication! This is the kind of conversation that creates intimacy and brings you closer. And talk about a turn-on. Trust me, if things go well when you use your mouth to talk, they will most likely go well when you use it for other activities.

If you find this topic compelling, I invite you to join me for a fun workshop called “Talking: The Ultimate Aphrodisiac.” It’s the second in my 3-part series entitled “You’re Getting Warmer: Perfecting Your Search for Mr. Right.” Details are below. Just click on the links to learn more.

What: Talking: The Ultimate Aphrodisiac

Where: The Gazebo, Davies Medical Center [map]

When: Tuesday, Feb 23, 7:00-9:00 p.m.

Free and open to everyone.

At the Corner of Castro & Fabulous: How to Turn Heads When You Walk Down the Street

Wednesday, January 25th, 2012

There are lots of stories about gay men who move to San Francisco to “find themselves” or to “find The One.” I find it exciting that our city can inspire people to go to such lengths in their quest for love (be it self love, love of another, or both).

But as you move through your day-to-day life here in the city, keep in mind that as magical as San Francisco can be, it’s not magic. By that I mean that it’s a charming, thrilling, sometimes dreamlike place to live – but there’s no “Abracadabra” when it comes to creating the life you want for yourself. Even if that life is here, one of the most welcoming and comfortable places in the country for gay men.

The thing is, you have to meet San Francisco halfway. Dressing in layers (so important here!) and walking down Castro Street to see and be seen isn’t going to magically create a wake of men behind you, falling all over each other to be the first to introduce himself to you.

Unless…

There are a few things you can do to turn a few heads as you stroll the sidewalk. Here’s what I suggest:

1. Know yourself. There’s nothing sexier than the confidence that comes from self-awareness and being comfortable in your own skin. Men who feel this way on the inside exude attractiveness on the outside – and other men notice. It’s just the way it is, and it doesn’t really matter what you look like. People can sense it.

2. Own yourself. Whatever your truth, own it, embrace it, and make no excuses for it. You’re short? You’re tall? You’re bald? You’re bushy-headed? You’re over 40? You’re a redhead? Your right foot is slightly pigeon-toed? Your moustache is uneven? (gasp!) Those perceived shortcomings are quite often the thing that another man will find most endearing. If you stop being so self-conscious about your [fill in the blank], no one is going to think twice about it.

3. Show yourself. Smile at people as you pass. Be warm. Be polite. Give ‘em those pearly whites. Isn’t that why you had them whitened in the first place? If you’re in a good mood and feel like whistling, do it and don’t worry whether someone is going to think it strange

Many of my clients tell me how difficult it is to “meet guys” here and that they feel invisible, even in the heart of the Castro. But once they explain to me the way they walk down the street, and what they’re thinking as they do so, I can usually identify a few small behaviors they can change that will turn that around.

Those supposed “guy magnets” – puppies and baby strollers – may work to some extent, but puppies poop and babies cry so maybe you should move on to something far more interesting to attract a few looks: yourself.

If you find this topic compelling, I invite you to join me for a fun workshop called “At the Corner of Castro & Fabulous: How to Turn Heads When You Walk Down the Street.” It’s the first in my 3-part series entitled “You’re Getting Warmer: Perfecting Your Search for Mr. Right.” Details are below, and click on the links to learn more.

Happy Strolling (and Head-Turning)!

What: At the Corner of Castro & Fabulous: How to Turn Heads When You Walk Down the Street