Archive for the ‘Resources’ Category

It’s a Man Eat Man World

Monday, May 14th, 2012

May must be National Reading Month because I have another great book to tell you about. It’s called Finding True Love in a Man Eat Man World by Craig Nelson.

The very first chapter talks about how gay men successful go about avoiding  love and gives a few archetypes they often play in gay love relationships.

Mr. Miserable focuses on his weaknesses rather than his strengths. For him, the glass is always half empty. Mr. Sabotage is caught in a trap of feeling lonely so he looks for love but when it turns serious he looks for a way out. And he repeats the cycle. Mr. Ugly thinks he’s too ugly to find someone, and ignores all the fine qualities he has. There are others, but you get the picture.

So what’s the key to avoiding becoming one of these gentlemen and to finding what we’re all looking for: someone to love us unconditionally for who we are? Good self-esteem, self-respect, and a solid sense of yourself. These will take you further in attracting a long-term lover than any other qualities you may have. And that goes for the other man, too. Once you know and accept yourself and understand “I’m a real catch” you can avoid any guy who has self-hatred and attract great guys. Real serenity and comfort are incredibly attractive magnets.

Know what you have to give. Know that others are waiting for you to give it. Not in a conceited way, but from a realistic, honest way that comes from self-knowledge and perspective. Once you come at it from that angle, you’ll attract men like flies to honey.

The bottom line: You attract what you are, not what you want.

Think about that for a while.

Create Your Vision Board

Tuesday, May 8th, 2012

I am so happy to have discovered another great resource to share with you in my never-ending quest to help my gay male clients find the successful love relationship they, and all gay men, deserve. It’s a fascinating book called Feng Shui Life Mapping by Salvatore Manzi. His website is here.

I particularly like the chapter on Vision Boarding, which is a process in which you create a collage on a feng shui bagua. You may know that in feng shui there are nine baguas, areas of your home that correspond to the nine areas of your life. The one I want to focus on is, of course, the Love and Partnership bagua located at the back, right-hand corner of your home.

A vision board is good because creating clear intention and setting goals is not always enough for everyone. For love and partnership, your vision board could include visual representations like a candlelit dinner table, kissing lips, hands clasped together, etc. The key is to really think about specific images. You can also have verbal affirmations as part of your vision board, like, “I am going on a fabulous vacation with my ideal partner” or whatever inspires/motivates you.

There are three steps to creating a successful vision board:

• give yourself 25 minutes to find the images

• tear the whole page from the book/magazine instead of cutting it out and trying

to crop it perfectly or get the perfect size

• collage for 25 minutes

Don’t strive for perfection. It can be all over the place. In fact, that’s what a collage is supposed to be.

To “activate” your vision board (very important!) do these three things:

• share it with people you love – this is vital because the power of a shared intention makes it manifest faster

• display your feng shui map. Meditate on it. Put it on your phone, or make it the wallpaper for your laptop. Put it by your desk. The key is to have it where you’ll see it.

• put it in the actual love and partnership bagua – the rear, right-hand corner of your home

I love my vision board and I get lots of inspiration and power from it. I know you will too. Salvatore Manzi is all about creating a supportive environment that propels you to your dreams. I couldn’t agree more. Try vision boarding for yourself and let me know how it goes. Better yet, send me a picture of yours, if you’d like to. I’d love to see it!

My dog ate my homework

Thursday, April 26th, 2012

Stop making excusesSometimes on our path towards love we encounter all sorts of excuses why we can’t stay on the path and some of them have little or nothing to do with being gay. These excuses can crop up throughout our day when we least expect it –sometimes we don’t even notice them – and they prevent us from making progress toward the things we want.

Dr. Wayne Dyer, who as you know is one of my favorites, has created a mobile app you can take on the road with you as a weapon of sorts against all those excuses. It’s called The Excuses Begone app, and it’s based on his book by the same name. It features 18 of the most common excuses and the affirmations to defeat them. And, it’s free!

Just go to the iTunes store to download it. It’s an on-the-go way to help create the life you want. Let go of I’m too busy, I’m too tired, It’s too hard and all your other excuses. And get on with getting where you want to go.

Talking: The Ultimate Aphrodisiac

Tuesday, January 31st, 2012

gay relationships and dating workshopI think it’s pretty funny that even though communication is vital to our relationships, especially our love relationships, we as a society have some funny substitutes for it like “blah, blah, blah” and “Yadda, yadda, yadda” (immortalized on Seinfeld).

But I’m a big advocate of talking. We tell our emotionally overwrought children who are whining or crying or fussing to “Use your words!” Well, my friends, now I’m telling you.

Great relationships start with great conversations. That means talking and freely sharing of yourself with your date/boyfriend/partner and, even more importantly, asking questions and attentively listening to his answers. That’s really all there is to it, but oh how difficult it can be to follow through on!

This concept is a cornerstone of my relationship coaching because it shifts the conventional way men approach dating. It’s very often about the goal of getting into bed. I’m not here to judge this, but just pointing out the reality as I see it.

What would happen if you tabled the getting-into-bed agenda, and instead simply had a conversation? How might you feel after an evening spent doing that? Would you feel like you accomplished something? Or would you feel unfulfilled? Do you even know? Have you ever tried it? If not, I’d like to challenge you to give it a go and see what your experience is like. Ideally, you would have an opportunity to talk to your man about it at some point after, to compare notes. This is real communication! This is the kind of conversation that creates intimacy and brings you closer. And talk about a turn-on. Trust me, if things go well when you use your mouth to talk, they will most likely go well when you use it for other activities.

If you find this topic compelling, I invite you to join me for a fun workshop called “Talking: The Ultimate Aphrodisiac.” It’s the second in my 3-part series entitled “You’re Getting Warmer: Perfecting Your Search for Mr. Right.” Details are below. Just click on the links to learn more.

 

What: Talking: The Ultimate Aphrodisiac

Where: The Gazebo, Davies Medical Center  [map]

When: Tuesday, Feb 23,  7:00-9:00 p.m.

Free and open to everyone.

Sponsored by: The Community Initiative

415.820.9606

info@thecommunityinitiative.org

At the Corner of Castro & Fabulous: How to Turn Heads When You Walk Down the Street

Wednesday, January 25th, 2012

gay dating workshop for relationship successThere are lots of stories about gay men who move to San Francisco to “find themselves” or to “find The One.” I find it exciting that our city can inspire people to go to such lengths in their quest for love (be it self love, love of another, or both).

But as you move through your day-to-day life here in the city, keep in mind that as magical as San Francisco can be, it’s not magic. By that I mean that it’s a charming, thrilling, sometimes dreamlike place to live – but there’s no “Abracadabra” when it comes to creating the life you want for yourself. Even if that life is here, one of the most welcoming and comfortable places in the country for gay men.

The thing is, you have to meet San Francisco halfway. Dressing in layers (so important here!) and walking down Castro Street to see and be seen isn’t going to magically create a wake of men behind you, falling all over each other to be the first to introduce himself to you.

Unless…

There are a few things you can do to turn a few heads as you stroll the sidewalk. Here’s what I suggest:

1. Know yourself. There’s nothing sexier than the confidence that comes from self-awareness and being comfortable in your own skin. Men who feel this way on the inside exude attractiveness on the outside – and other men notice. It’s just the way it is, and it doesn’t really matter what you look like. People can sense it.

2. Own yourself. Whatever your truth, own it, embrace it, and make no excuses for it. You’re short? You’re tall? You’re bald? You’re bushy-headed? You’re over 40? You’re a redhead? Your right foot is slightly pigeon-toed? Your moustache is uneven? (gasp!) Those perceived shortcomings are quite often the thing that another man will find most endearing. If you stop being so self-conscious about your [fill in the blank], no one is going to think twice about it.

3. Show yourself. Smile at people as you pass. Be warm. Be polite. Give ‘em those pearly whites. Isn’t that why you had them whitened in the first place? If you’re in a good mood and feel like whistling, do it and don’t worry whether someone is going to think it strange

Many of my clients tell me how difficult it is to “meet guys” here and that they feel invisible, even in the heart of the Castro. But once they explain to me the way they walk down the street, and what they’re thinking as they do so, I can usually identify a few small behaviors they can change that will turn that around.

Those supposed “guy magnets” – puppies and baby strollers – may work to some extent, but puppies poop and babies cry so maybe you should move on to something far more interesting to attract a few looks: yourself.

If you find this topic compelling, I invite you to join me for a fun workshop called “At the Corner of Castro & Fabulous: How to Turn Heads When You Walk Down the Street.” It’s the first in my 3-part series entitled “You’re Getting Warmer: Perfecting Your Search for Mr. Right.” Details are below, and click on the links to learn more.

Happy Strolling (and Head-Turning)!

 

What: At the Corner of Castro & Fabulous: How to Turn Heads When You Walk Down the Street

Where: The Gazebo, Davies Medical Center  [map]

When: Tuesday, Feb 7,  7:00-9:00 p.m.

Free and open to everyone.

Sponsored by: The Community Initiative

415.820.9606

info@thecommunityinitiative.org

 

Core Values: They Matter

Tuesday, December 6th, 2011

core values for business brandsRecently a colleague and a friend reminded me that having core values for your business is important, especially when you’re a business owner and the line between your business and your own person-ness is a thin one. That is definitely the case with me!

Defining – and holding – core values for your business enables you to recognize how those values show up in your day-to-day operations, understand why you do the things you do, and make sound business decisions that will truly support you in reaching your goals. Those are pretty important for business success, right?

So I decided to define the Finding Bliss Core Values and to share them with you, with the goal of holding them and imbuing them with the power they have to strengthen my brand, connect with my audience, and fuel my success. So here we go:

1. No judgment.  Ultimately, there is no right or wrong when it comes to love. Everything is a learning experience.

2. Quality vs quantity. This is true in many aspects of life, but especially so when it comes to seeking, finding, giving, receiving, and sharing love.

3. Speaking only the truth. I’ve mentioned this before, and it refers to having the willingness and the courage to have the hard conversations from the beginning. Small talk is fine to break the ice; we need it and it’s human nature to start with it. But once those shards are hitting the floor and melting away, move on to the stuff that truly matters. I give all of my clients this advice and follow it myself.

4. Being forgiving. Entire books are written about this topic but in a nutshell it boils down to letting go of the three R’s: Resentment, Resistance, and Revenge. I never want Finding Bliss to operate from a place of negativity, so I extend my forgiving nature to my brand.

5. Accepting responsibility. This is a biggie. Many of us struggle to recognize the times when we need to accept responsibility, or the times when doing so will better serve us than laying blame. Just realize that it’s okay to say “Sorry” and that sometimes you need to say it to yourself.  Remember that you are here, and I am here, and we are all here where we are today because of the choices we have made in life. So accepting responsibility for them is something that I, and Finding Bliss, wholeheartedly believe in.

6. Being supportive. Finding Bliss supports clients so they feel happy, motivated, and excited. To make that happen, the brand operates from a place of looking at the optimistic side of life, which I also do in my personal life. And note that being supportive means more than just supporting others; it also means supporting yourself.

7. Unconditional giving. Much like the previous value, this refers to yourself as well as to others. When I give to others, I do it without expecting something in return. I sometimes actually do ask myself the question: “What can I give?” Maybe JFK said it best: “Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country.” Substitute “partner,” “boyfriend,” [or in my brand’s case, “client”] for the word “country” and you have a pretty great way of moving through life [and the business world].

8. Being impeccable. I mean impeccable in every way: with your words, your purpose, your truth. It means to keep your word because words are power;

a gift that comes directly through you. With them, you can create the events in your life [or your business]; you can create a beautiful dream or destroy everything around you. Don Miguel Ruiz talks about this in his book, The Four Agreements and I encourage you to check it out.

9. Be child-like. Children live in the present moment, with little to no worries, and they don’t take No for an answer. They are unstoppable in their optimism, imagination, creativity, and structureless pursuit of the next smile. Somewhere along the way to adulthood, we lose the vast majority of these qualities. Short of throwing tantrums and being inconsiderate, or making unsound business decisions, we should all try to be more child-like.

10. Being determined. This boils down to three things: conceive, believe, and achieve. What a great way to build a business or a brand, huh? It’s important to ask questions and be persistent in getting to the answers. An example I love to share with clients and that inspires me is Thomas Edison, who recorded some 25,000 failures in his attempt to invent a storage battery. He was once asked how it felt to fail 25,000 times and he replied: “Those were not failures. I learned 24,999 ways not to make a battery.”

I hope I’ve inspired you to think about your own core values. You should sit down and write them out; really examine them. Drill down to the center of you and figure them out, whether you end up with two, three, or ten values; whether you own a business or not. It will help you figure out what you’re looking for in a partner, and to make sound decisions when those turning points in a relationship crop up. And you know they will!

The 5 Love Languages: Physical Touch

Tuesday, November 29th, 2011

The 5 Love Languages: Physical TouchThe final Love Language, according to Gary Chapman’s book, The 5 Love Languages, is Physical Touch and it’s arguably the  most fun language to speak. But it’s not all about the bedroom.

One of the best things about having a partner who speaks this language is how easy it is to recognize. We all know people who are very “touchy.” They freely give hugs [and sometimes kisses], pats on the back, thoughtful touches on the arm and other small physical gestures. With people they know well, it can show up as hand-holding and touches in more intimate places such as the face or hip. Even playing footsie.

Remember that people who speak this language aren’t necessarily “coming on to you.” Physical touch is how they express emotions. This can be excitement, concern, care, or love – among many others. It’s the very definition of body language.

Also remember that physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect can signal to him that you simply don’t care. So try the power of intentional touch with your partner, even if you don’t think you can fully embrace it. You can start small and take baby steps. And you can experiment with all kinds of touch in all kinds of places. Talk about fun! In fact, consider that your homework. Go touch your partner. Then you’ll see how powerful and transformative it can be.

The 5 Love Languages: Acts of Service

Monday, November 21st, 2011

5 Love Languages: Acts of Service do things for your gay partnerThe next Love Language, according to Gary Chapman’s book, The 5 Love Languages, is Acts of Service.

“Acts of Service” isn’t referring to volunteering at the local homeless shelter, as wonderful an act as that is. But this is much more personal. It means doing things you know your partner would like you to do – anything to ease the burden of responsibilities for him.

Examples of this are easy and they vary widely: vacuuming the house, emptying the dishwasher, cleaning the litter box, picking up the kids’ toys. You get the idea. If your house is anything like mine, there are endless opportunities to say “I’ll get that for you” and just pitch in. Actions speak louder than words and for people who speak this love language, nothing could be more true.

This is another tough love language for gay men to speak, though. Male ego gets in the way, and neither man wants to be perceived as weak, or submissive to the other. But this isn’t about who has the power and who yields it. It’s about recognizing what your partner needs to feel loved, and giving him that. What could be more wonderful? Even the smallest action will speak volumes to your partner.

Not performing acts of service speaks volumes, too. Withholding tells your partner that his feelings don’t matter.

If you’re not sure whether your partner speaks this language, a fun way to find out is to just start doing a few little things for him and see what happens. If he speaks this language, he will let you know how much he appreciates what you did.

But I want to go on the record: picking up the Dustbuster and cleaning up crumbs = good. Giving him a Dustbuster for his birthday = crummy. It’s not the same things, guys. But you knew that, right?

The 5 Love Languages: Receiving Gifts

Wednesday, November 16th, 2011

5 love languages, receiving gifts, surprise, care, loveThe third Love Language, according to Gary Chapman’s book, The 5 Love Languages, is Receiving Gifts, which is very timely to talk about since the holidays are coming up.

The important thing to remember here is that this love language isn’t about getting stuff. It’s about the thoughtfulness, the effort, and the love that’s behind the gift-giving. Just like the old adage, “It’s the thought that counts.” It’s actually true.

For people who speak this language, receiving gifts lets them know they are loved, cared for, and valued. It’s not about the money spent or the trouble you had to go through to get the gift and present it to him. It’s simply the fact that you made the effort; that you did it.

I’ll repeat one of those points because it’s so vital: It’s not about the expense of the gift. If you speak this love language – and more importantly, if your partner does – you must remember that the package of his favorite coffee that you picked up at the grocery store holds every bit as much significance as the Mercedes Benz you bought him for his birthday. Some people find that hard to believe, but for those who speak this love language it is second nature. It is who they are, and what they need – that demonstrable showing of caring and love.

I actually think that this is not a very difficult love language to speak. How do you do it? Here are a few suggestions:

- Pick up his favorite candy bar when you’re at Walgreen’s

- Send flowers to his office on a Tuesday, just because

-  Pay attention when he talks about his favorite movies, songs, or books, and add those to the list of his holiday or birthday gifts [that listening thing again!]

- Feign a “bio-break” at a restaurant, and instead pull the server aside and give him/her your credit card to pick up the tab

- Email him an out-of-the-blue gift certificate to Amazon, Starbucks, or Macy’s

You get the idea. It’s really quite easy. If your man speaks this love language, give him what he needs. You will reap the rewards, I guarantee it!