So now that you’ve [hopefully] given some serious thought to what your core values are, it’s time to take the next step. Literally.

We often talk about stepping into the new year, walking into it, etc. Most of us march along with the calendar, marking off the days without much thought to it once the confetti has been swept off the floor. What I’d like to challenge you to do is to take that journey – with intention. And, of course, I can show you how.

First, reflect on the past year. I mean really sit down and think about what you did. Get out a piece of paper and a pen, and write these things down. Did you travel to a life-long destination? Did you write that book? Incorporate regular fitness into your life? Forgive yourself for something? Go to more museums? Start taking French lessons? Alphabetize your wine rack? Whatever it was, write it down.

The reason is to take a moment to acknowledge and celebrate your accomplishments. Just “be” with them for a minute and be grateful for them. We tend to forget how much we’ve done in our lives. I’m betting you come up with a pretty long list.

But even if you don’t, it’s okay. If you feel you whiled the year away without a sense of direction and hence without much to show for it, then accept responsibility for that [there’s that core value again], and resolve to change it from this point on.

Once you’ve done that, create your intentions for 2012. This involves physically writing things down, too. Make an actual list of what your goals for the year are. What are your intentions? There are a few techniques you can use.

You can divide them into categories: personal, career/business, love life, etc. You could do it chronologically if you have a sense of what that might be. Maybe your intention requires that; maybe it’s just how you think. It’s fine. Or you could just create a list that has no particular hierarchy, if that’s going to work for you.

I cannot stress enough how important it is that you write these down, and that you be specific with it. There is great power in doing this. Trust me.

Then, as part of that list, write down the HOW behind each intention. This is critical! Otherwise, it’s a half-thought, an elusive goal that you’ll have too much difficulty manifesting. You’ll give up. For example, if you write down “Lose 25  pounds” then also write down how you intend to do that. See a nutritionist? Hire a trainer? Stop drinking on weeknights? Whatever you know will work. Don’t put “hire a trainer” if you don’t have the money to pay for one, or if you know that you hate working out with a trainer. The how must be feasible.

It’s also critical to know the WHY behind each intention on the list. If you don’t articulate for yourself why you’re working towards what you’re working towards, you’ll feel scattered, unfocused, and unmotivated. It won’t work. You can either write this or not [I recommend you do], but you should definitely know it. Why do you want to lose 25 pounds? To feel better? Because your doctor said you needed to? To fit into some expensive jeans you bought?

What you have at the end of this exercise is something you’ve created for yourself: a vision. An intent for the year. And a plan to carry it out. To inspire you even further, try putting together a vision board. This is just a collection of visual cues that portray whatever it is you want to create – either literally or abstractly. And it doesn’t have to be big. Collect pictures that reflect your intentions, and you should feel free to get creative with it. Don’t go for the materialistic stuff necessarily; go for the stuff you feel an emotional connection with. If you’re thinking about a sports car, you could put a picture of one on your vision board, but if you know the WHY behind it – say, because you want a stronger sense of freedom in your life – then maybe the better visual is a wide, vast expanse of Southwestern desert stretching out to the horizon. I think you get the idea.

With your 2012 intentions in place, things will start showing up for you because  you will have the means to hold them close to you in a concrete way. The most exciting part comes in December of 2012 when you take out your list [the one you’re going to make in the next month or so] and look at it. You will be positively amazed at how many things became reality for you. Even things you will have forgotten you put on the list to begin with.

Now go grab a pen and a notepad and get busy.

Long awaited, but finally published – my interview with Tony Phillips, writer and extraordinaire with EDGE Magazine. The article is full of information that helps you understand what really happens behind the scenes of gay matchmaking with Finding Bliss. Hope you enjoy it, share it with your friends and spread the love to gay men who want to find a life partner.

Click here to read the interview with Tony Phillips…

Long awaited but finally available, my radio interview on KQED – Out in the Bay with Marilyn Pittman and Dr. Frankie Bashan founder of Little Gay Book, matchmaker and coach for Lesbian women. Listen to us talk about the differences and similarities when it comes to doing matchmaking for Gay men and matchmaking for Lesbian women.

Share the love, please.

Finding Bliss and Little Gay book on Out in the Bay – Click here to listen

My interview with Michelle Meow, host on Swirl Radio, was awesome. She was so happy and excited to have me in her studio and really saw the value I provide to my gay clients. Michelle and her collaborator Jen we’re fun and friendly, we had a great time! They are interested in doing a series “Dating Tips for Gay Men” with me in the near future. Stay tuned and spread the word…..

Soniyah Singh, Founder of Finding Bliss on Swirl Radio – Click here to listen

The second Love Language, according to Gary Chapman’s book, The 5 Love Languages, is Quality Time.

“Quality time” is a term we hear a lot these days, often in a joking way. If we’re tired we say, “I need to spend some quality time with my pillow.” If we’re hungry we say, “I need to spend some quality time with a bag of Doritos.” Okay, maybe that’s just me. But what does “quality time” really mean?

It’s pretty simple: it means giving someone your full, undivided attention, with no distractions. This is a lot harder than it sounds, especially these days. We’re always doing twenty things at once: texting, emailing, listening to music, surfing the Web – with one eye on the TV and half a mind on what’s for dinner. I’m as guilty of it as anyone, but if you want to speak this love language, you have to stop the madness. Especially if your husband or boyfriend needs to hear you speak this language in order to feel like you’re engaged and you care.

Some things that count as quality time (just the two of you; no one else): playing a game of Scrabble where the focus is not on the game so much as the fact that you’re spending time together, sitting in a café sipping coffee and talking, or going for a walk. Some things that don’t count: going to the movies (your attention is not on each other), curling up on the couch together and watching your favorite show (again, too much attention is on the entertainment instead of each other), or doing chores together (as helpful as that can be). Your quality time should have healthy doses of eye contact and listening, and no interruptions (this includes not interrupting each other).

You don’t even have to call it “quality time” if you don’t want to, especially if the phrase makes you want to laugh or, worse yet, roll your eyes. Instead, call it Date Night. Or “QT.” Or Joe & Sam’s Super Duper Afternoon Extravaganza. The important thing is to do it.

So put down the iPhone, turn off True Blood, listen to Gaga later, and spend some quality time with your man. The best part about quality time is that you get to enjoy it, too. And you will. Trust me, you will.

A popular author in the area of love and relationships is Gary Chapman. In his book, The 5 Love Languages, he explains the five primary ways we express and interpret love. In my next series of blog posts, I’m going to tell you a bit about each one.

The first is Words of Affirmation. People who speak this love language react very positively to unsolicited compliments. It’s all about the words with them. For these people, hearing the words “I love you” makes a big impact, and hearing the reasons behind that love makes an even bigger one. On the other hand, negative words such as insults can do a lot of damage, quickly, and are not easily forgotten.

I don’t know how many gay men fall into this category, but as I read about this love language it occurred to me that many gay men – too many – were forced to deal with negative language while growing up – being called names in school, having insults hurled at them, being ridiculed and shamed, and even physically harmed. So it seems like a pretty easy line to draw from that kind of adolescence to an adulthood where you would need to hear Words of Affirmation.

It can be hard, after years of being in the closet, or dealing with the fallout from expressing one’s true feelings, to suddenly start using words of affirmation. I think the key is baby steps. If you find it difficult to do, start with something small and work your way up. Compliment your date’s hair. Tell him, “I like it when you smile” or “I love it when you laugh so hard, you snort.” (Who wouldn’t love that, right?) It doesn’t have to be anything big or dramatic. A little goes a long way in this department.

With practice, and the organic unfolding of your relationship, you’ll get to the place where “I love you” comes naturally. Almost without thinking. But trust me, your partner/spouse/husband/boyfriend will think about it. And appreciate it. And love you all the more for saying what’s in your heart. We should all do that. We tell kids all the time: “Use your words.” And now I’m telling you. So if you spent the first few decades of your life avoiding it, I encourage you to start making up for lost time.

I’ll even give you a prompt: You can leave a comment on this blog, and tell me how brilliant I am.

As a follow-up to my last post, I want to explore another very important question: Are you ready for a matchmaker? This is critical to ask yourself before you hire one, not just because of wasted time and effort, but because of some even more important considerations.

First, hiring a matchmaker involves giving up a degree of control to someone else. You are allowing that person to take the reins in a very personal aspect of your life. Some people just don’t like that feeling, and are very uncomfortable with it. Do you have fear or anxiety over giving up some control? Men especially can struggle with this so you have to be honest with yourself on this issue. With a matchmaker, you are letting another person co-create a life for you, and that’s not a small thing!

Next, hiring a matchmaker like me is a huge act of trust. This is closely related to control. You have to be able to trust that I will find good matches for you. Are you capable of trust in this area of your life?

Third, when you hire a matchmaker, you need the ability to let go and surrender to the outcome. For many, it’s a very different approach to finding love because of all the standard ways they’ve gone about it in the past with which they have experience: bars, online dating, social groups, mutual friends, etc. But it could be that you’ve been going to the wrong places. Or you could be attracting the same kind of people. And it’s easy to get frustrated with online dating. You can go through dozens of profiles and finally find one you like, then reach out only to discover the guy isn’t even available. Some guys do get lucky, but you should be able to accept that you haven’t been successful, for whatever reason, and let go. You have to say: “I’m ready to outsource my love life” …to someone who will talk to me, find out about me, and make a match based on important values.

The next thing to consider is the role of a matchmaker. This goes back to “planting a seed” which I mentioned earlier. I don’t take this role lightly because it is a big responsibility and my clients need to know that I know that. And when a client plants a seed, he has to water it, feed it, and help it grow; otherwise it dies. We’re in this together, and we’re working together towards the same goal: finding love for you. So you have to be ready to join forces with me, collaborate, share, and grow the seed together. Will you do that? Do you even want to do that?

Finally, you should ask yourself if you see the value in hiring a matchmaker. Do you see the value in what I’m doing for you? Or do you feel it’s too much money and you can do it yourself? Are my services a luxury, or a necessity? These answers all depend on you.

All of these questions are important because when you hire a matchmaker, that person is out there in the world, thinking about you. If your matchmaker isn’t excited about who you are, or excited to present you to other men in an honest way, then it’s not a good partnership. And this does happen sometimes. I don’t work with anyone and everyone. This is not a judgmental thing, and it doesn’t mean I don’t believe in what the client is looking for. It just means that I may not be well-versed in that specific area or that we simply don’t have the strong connection it requires to be successful in finding lasting love.

In these cases, I just refer the client to someone else. Because one thing is the same no matter who you’re dealing with: there is someone out there for everyone. Or, as I like to say, there’s a lid for every pot.

So think about it. Are you ready for a matchmaker? If the answer is yes, I can recommend a really good one.  :-)

This is a huge question, and such an important one to consider, that I always ask it in the very beginning of any engagement with a client or a catch. Sometimes you hear it asked in a jokey way, and as a result it can sound like a cliché. I’ve even heard it played for laughs in sitcoms and movies. But it’s a very serious question and one that should be addressed head-on, looking at it from two important angles.

The first one is from the perspective of giving love. You can say you’re ready to invest the time and effort it takes to find and nurture love, but do your actions really show that? In our society, especially with men, this often shows up in careers. If you spend 12-14 hours a day working, you may not be as ready for love as you think you are. Or if your job requires you to travel a lot, you may need to think through how you’re going to actually, physically show up for a potential partner when you’re spending so much time travelling.

So ask yourself if you’re willing to make yourself available, both physically and emotionally. For love to take hold and grow, you have to be open, and allow it to enter your heart and mind.

The second angle to consider is no less important: are you ready to receive love? This requires you to be open as well, but it requires much more of you.

This is because, in order to receive love, you have to know who you are. Do you know your strengths and weaknesses? Do you know your values? And knowing these things, do you love yourself? Having genuine answers to these questions allows you to be in a solid relationship with yourself, which is of utmost importance when you’re looking for love.

When you enter a relationship, you bring your insecurities along. We all do. It’s not a bad thing; it just means we’re working on ourselves. And you reflect these insecurities onto your partner, whether intentional or not. It’s part of being human. But if you have a solid relationship with yourself, you can communicate in a healthy way and set your boundaries from the beginning. Then love becomes effortless, which is as it should be.

Imagine the alternative – a situation in which you don’t have a solid relationship with yourself. That forces you to be someone you’re not because you’re putting up a front. Not only with the other person, but also with yourself. So you maintain a façade of being someone else. Which means that your partner has been with a different person – not you. This gets complicated and messy and often involves heartbreak when things don’t work out. But how could they, if one or both partners aren’t being their true selves?

So, as easy as it is to dismiss this question as a cliché or a joke, it actually is a critical one to think through. Are you ready for love? To give and receive it? The only person who can answer these questions is you. Not society. Not your best friend. You. If the answer is no, there’s nothing wrong with that. You can verbalize it and accept it. But not knowing and not honoring the answer – your true, genuine answer – will keep you from the effortless love that could otherwise be yours.