Posts Tagged ‘happiness’

Love is in the Air!

Wednesday, June 26th, 2013

prideMark this date in history, the Supreme Court has overturned the DOMA! Love and gratitude is truly in the air today. Many of us will be able to ask our loved ones to marry, to give and receive the love, rights and protection we and our families deserve. This is a historical moment that I will be savoring and celebrating every moment of, I trust that you are as well.

Conceive, believe, achieve!

Its official!




How to Live Happily Ever After

Tuesday, May 29th, 2012

I want to share some topline concepts and pointers from one of my gay love relationship workshops. We all want to live happily ever after, right? Well here are five things to keep in mind when you’re still at the “once upon a time” stage.


1. Really learn about your partner

If you know each other’s dreams, hopes, fears, wants, needs and truths, it’s hard to ever “grow apart.” Talking about these things builds trust and connection. You should ask questions of each other daily. And be sure to listen to your partner when he answers. If you have trouble doing this, try passing a “talking feather” (or use another object) between the two of you. Taking turns talking and listening can help you focus when it’s your turn to use your ears. Because you want to avoid making assumptions.


2- Spend quality time together

Do things that engage you with each other. Watching TV together can be nice, especially when cuddling on the couch, but it’s not engaging with each other. Schedule date nights. Alternate picking the activity. Get creative. Push the envelope. Switch it up. (By the way, this includes in the bedroom. Oh yes, I went there.)


3- Appreciate each other

According to a survey by the Divorce Mediation Project, 80% of breakups happen because couples grow apart. They lose a sense of closeness, so one or both men end up not feeling loved or appreciated. Only 20-27% of couples break up because of affairs.

Acknowledging, appreciating, and complimenting each other is so important in a gay relationship. Here’s a great way to do that: once a month, write down five things you love about each other. How fun!


4- Have healthy conflict

Avoid what John Gottman calls “the four horsemen,” which are:

Criticism – change it to positive talking and talk about yourself

Defensiveness – this takes many forms, including attacking, playing the victim, making excuses, and whining

Contempt – insulting your partner, using sarcasm, and name-calling

Stonewalling – withdrawing from the relationship; giving him the silent treatment

Know that you can avoid the horsemen, and you can compromise. What’s important here is to understand how your partner deals with conflict and respect his boundaries. Quick idea: give him (and yourself) 20 minutes – that’s how long it takes your body to calm down. Be sure to accommodate each other’s “strange” side because we all have one. Handle his idiosyncrasies with care, respect, affection. Isn’t that the same treatment you’d like for your “thing,” whatever it might be? And if you do sometimes fall short in this area, remember that saying “I’m sorry” can create magic in any relationship.


5- Value your relationship

Be supportive, respectful and encouraging of each other. Make important decisions together. Do things because you want to, not because it’s expected. And the big one, which I’ve blogged about before: don’t play the What If? Game.

I know I packed a lot into just five things, but if you can do just a few things I mention here, it’s better than not doing any of them, and you’ll be on your way to finding – and keeping – your Prince Charming.

Living in the Heart

Thursday, May 24th, 2012

Another new discovery is Drunvalo Melchizedek, which is a complicated name for someone who teaches a very simple concept – which is, basically all about thinking from the heart. Basically, he teaches that you can create miracles and all the things you thought impossible if you go from thinking from the brain to thinking from the heart. If your intention is from the heart, no ego is involved.

The “What’s in it for me?” angle comes from the head. But the “How can I give to my partner?” or “How can I show up for my partner?” question shifts the POV to your heart, and it’s something we can all do, even if we’ve had traumas in life. The vast majority of our society doesn’t do this, though. Most of us think from our head, which makes us walking, talking egos.

This shift brings up a lot for everyone, and gay men looking for a successful love relationship are no exception. One issue is forgiveness, something I daresay most all of us could use practice in. Imagine if, after an upsetting or traumatic episode, you could say, “I forgive everyone involved in this, including myself.” That’s incredibly powerful because you can then let go of everything from your emotional body and avoid carrying a wound into a relationship.

Drunvalo has lots to say and it’s all really fascinating. I encourage you to check out all his stuff, including his website.

It’s a Man Eat Man World

Monday, May 14th, 2012

May must be National Reading Month because I have another great book to tell you about. It’s called Finding True Love in a Man Eat Man World by Craig Nelson.

The very first chapter talks about how gay men successful go about avoiding  love and gives a few archetypes they often play in gay love relationships.

Mr. Miserable focuses on his weaknesses rather than his strengths. For him, the glass is always half empty. Mr. Sabotage is caught in a trap of feeling lonely so he looks for love but when it turns serious he looks for a way out. And he repeats the cycle. Mr. Ugly thinks he’s too ugly to find someone, and ignores all the fine qualities he has. There are others, but you get the picture.

So what’s the key to avoiding becoming one of these gentlemen and to finding what we’re all looking for: someone to love us unconditionally for who we are? Good self-esteem, self-respect, and a solid sense of yourself. These will take you further in attracting a long-term lover than any other qualities you may have. And that goes for the other man, too. Once you know and accept yourself and understand “I’m a real catch” you can avoid any guy who has self-hatred and attract great guys. Real serenity and comfort are incredibly attractive magnets.

Know what you have to give. Know that others are waiting for you to give it. Not in a conceited way, but from a realistic, honest way that comes from self-knowledge and perspective. Once you come at it from that angle, you’ll attract men like flies to honey.

The bottom line: You attract what you are, not what you want.

Think about that for a while.

Don’t Fear the Shadows

Sunday, April 29th, 2012

The path I’ve been talking about in this series of posts is, of course, the path of personal growth. I talk a lot about it because I believe it’s the key to finding bliss – the loving relationship you want. The transformational coach Debbie Ford has a lot say about this topic, too.

Ford writes that sometimes on this path we have to deal with what Carl Jung called the shadow. All the parts of ourselves we’ve tried to hide or deny, or that we think aren’t acceptable to our family, friends, and most important, ourselves. The message we get from this shadow is simple: there is something wrong with me. I’m not okay. I’m not lovable. I’m not deserving. I’m not worthy.

My message to clients is just the opposite. Of course you are worthy and lovable. We all are! The key to overcoming this obstacle on your path is to own and embrace the very things you’re most afraid of. As Debbie Ford asserts, they actually hold our most treasured gifts. And as I truly believe, this includes a sustained, beautiful loving relationship with another gay man. Your life will be transformed when you make peace with your shadow. You won’t have to pretend to be someone you’re not or prove you’re good enough. In other words, find the gifts of your shadow and you’ll find the freedom to create the life you’ve always desired.

Read more on defeating your shadows here.

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My dog ate my homework

Thursday, April 26th, 2012

Stop making excusesSometimes on our path towards love we encounter all sorts of excuses why we can’t stay on the path and some of them have little or nothing to do with being gay. These excuses can crop up throughout our day when we least expect it –sometimes we don’t even notice them – and they prevent us from making progress toward the things we want.

Dr. Wayne Dyer, who as you know is one of my favorites, has created a mobile app you can take on the road with you as a weapon of sorts against all those excuses. It’s called The Excuses Begone app, and it’s based on his book by the same name. It features 18 of the most common excuses and the affirmations to defeat them. And, it’s free!

Just go to the iTunes store to download it. It’s an on-the-go way to help create the life you want. Let go of I’m too busy, I’m too tired, It’s too hard and all your other excuses. And get on with getting where you want to go.

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Use Your Words

Saturday, April 21st, 2012

Another challenge on the road to a lasting relationship is learning the skill of conscious communication. It’s not an inborn gift, but with practice you can become a master of clear communication. According to psychologist Marshall Rosenberg, it’s a simple process:

1. Identify the event that triggered your emotional upset. Be as objective as possible when doing this. Saying “My boyfriend is never on time,” is less useful than saying “He said he’d be here at 7:00 and didn’t show up until 7:30.”

2. Take responsibility for your feelings. Describe your feelings like this: “I feel frustrated,” or “I feel jealous.” Avoid words that reinforce a sense of victimization, such as “I feel neglected” or “I feel rejected.” When you do this, you’re informing the other person, not blaming him.

3. Identify what you need that you’re not receiving. Most of us subconsciously expect our loved ones to know what we need and to spontaneously provide it. I don’t have to tell you that this rarely happens.

4. Ask for what you want. Be specific when doing this. For example, if you want more attention from your partner, don’t just ask him to spend more time with you.

Ask him to go on a walk with you after dinner, or to a movie on Saturday night. But don’t make demands because we all have an inherent impulse to resist demands. And the cool part is that our self-esteem is raised when we’re able to fulfill a request.

Follow these four steps, and you’re much more likely to feel comfortable and at ease – both in your own skin and in a gay relationship – as opposed to going through your days in emotional distress.

Conscious communication and emotional awareness are vital components of the Chopra Center’s Perfect Health program. Learn more here.

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Pass the Wire Strippers

Wednesday, April 11th, 2012

April showers may bring May flowers, but they can also get in the way of other plans, like picnics and hikes and puddle avoidance. But one good thing about the recent wet weather is that it has inspired me to write a series of blogs about some of the challenging things you may have to get through before true gay love blossoms.

One of these is understanding how your brain is wired when it comes to relationships and realizing how it got that way in the first place. A new book by Marsha Lucas, Ph.D. explains how using the practice of mindfulness meditation can help you reach this understanding, and shows you how to rewire your brain. Naturally, the book is called Rewire Your Brain For Love.

Mindfulness meditation is recognized by top academic institutions for its effectiveness in changing the brain. Dr. Lucas shows you how, in just a few minutes of practice a day, you can change the way you interact with everyone around you, especially those closest to you. You can transform your brain, or rewire it, to support you in all matters of the heart. Keep fear from running the show. Cultivate empathy. Avoid overreacting. There’s lots more – all of it helping you find and create a vibrant, successful gay relationship.

So break out your splicers and start rewiring. And let me know how it goes!

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Five Steps to Bliss

Saturday, March 31st, 2012

If your intention is to find bliss, here are five steps you can follow to help you.


1 – Acknowledge

Acknowledge your fears, and challenges. Also acknowledge that, like all of us, you’re culturally conditioned to accept what life gives you and that we have no power to change it. Nothing could be further from the truth! But acknowledging the negative in life, allowing it to be with you, gives you the ability to shift it. You can forgive yourself, then change the behavior around it.


2 – Imagine

Thinking with awareness is very powerful, especially if you know yourself. Imagine yourself in a healthy relationship with a loving partner can do wonders in manifesting it in your life. Refer to my previous entry about “I am” statements.


3 – Believe

What are your dreams and your beliefs about your dreams? Are you willing to change the concept of yourself from ordinary to champion, or from lonely to lover? Really believing in yourself – and what you imagine for your life – is your greatest power. This is one of the core values I teach my clients so it’s one of the steps to finding bliss too. What do you tell yourself when you look in the mirror? Try this simple exercise: Write 5 positive characteristics that describe who you want to be today. See what happens!


4 – Feel

This is where the other guy comes in. Allow yourself to feel the emotion of being with a partner. Try another exercise I call Magic Wand, which is a visualization with your eyes closed. Imagine the wand can erase all your fears and uncertainties from the past, and start imagining your ideal man: his skin, hair, clothes, smell, feel, personality, back story, all of it. Continue with imagining your life together, and let the emotions that come up for you wash over you. Stay with the visual for a while. Write down your thoughts and feelings. Put it on the mirror or somewhere else you’ll see it regularly and repeatedly (at least once a day).


5 – Act

After all this visualizing and thinking and imagining – it’s time to give it a shot. It’s time to act. Once you believe in yourself, acting is easy (that’s why it’s the last step!). When you act, be courageous and remember that any obstacles are experience and learning lessons from which you can take away something constructive. If you step out of your comfort zone, you’d be surprised what can happen. Let people know you’re single. Tell them you’re looking. Let them know what your visualization looks like. And see what comes back to you. Be grateful for what does (more on gratitude later).

It’s easy to list steps, but it can be tougher to actually follow them. Believe me, I know. That’s why I say, “Get started!” The time is now. Your blissful future awaits.

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Your Link to Intent

Monday, March 26th, 2012

Here’s another quote I find very inspirational.

“In the universe, there is an immeasurable, indescribable force which shamans call intent, and absolutely everything that exists in the entire cosmos is attached to intent by a connecting link.”

– Carlos Castaneda 

This connecting link to intent is important to keep in mind. Because as we create our story and the doubts and resistance that inevitably come with it, the link gets corroded. It gets dirtier and dirtier with all the things that others have told us we can’t do, or are not possible for us. Sometimes we tell ourselves these things, and corrode the link through our own thoughts.

The good news is that there are tons of tools and resources out there to help clean it up. One of them is other people. Gifted people open their hearts to us, create a shift in our life, and help make our dreams come true. It could be a chiropractor, a therapist, a French tutor – whoever plays a role in making you feel fulfilled in some way.

Think about the people in your life – and how they help keep you linked to intent, creating a pathway to your possibilities. Because one of those possibilities, of course, is love.

In my next post, I’ll talk about five steps to help you establish your link to love.

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